literature

Trials of Howlburn- Descriptive Intro

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Literature Text

  Lavender swayed in the soft breeze, its fragrance stirring the silken strands of weeping willows that danced by the old cottages and sturdy walls of the imposing castle. The sea roared its greetings as each wave crashed upon the white shore, causing the sea foam to leap into the air and sparkle in the beaming sun.

  Children's voices rang about in the village and echoed upon the mountains of the giants, while work horses plodded along, digging the plow into the new rich earth, ringing out their call to the gnomes underneath who would refresh the tired dirt. Men shouted out war cries as they chopped logs and women's voice scolded and laughed as they scurried around their cottages, taking care of the dead elks their husbands and fathers had brought home.

  East Wind's song blew into the fertile village of Domin, stirring up heaps of hay and throwing the long hair of maidens into their lords' faces. Dryads that lived in the deep forest of Howlburn felt the mischievous Wind's song rush through their branches and leaves, causing the young ones to squeal in surprise and close up their leaves, while the elderly ones hummed in annoyance of the brash Wind.

  The East Wind cackled and continued on its path, causing the dirt and moss to fly up in the air and land on the flowers heads. Sputtering and spitting, the enraged flowers shook the filth and cursed the young East Wind.

  At the top of the hill in the middle of Howlburn, a young faerie stood and watched, her magnificently large purple eyes scanning the vibrant woods below her.
Alrighty then... I wrote a short fantasy story a while ago (the link to it is at the bottom of this description). A couple watchers liked it enough to ask me if I was continuing it.
In all honesty, I wasn't planning on it. It was a 'word vomit', it sorta just spilled out one day (okay, a day and three-quarters) and manifested itself as, well, that sole story.
So after some thought, I wrote up a short descriptive opening to the story- 'Trials of Howlburn', sent it to my best friend and asked her opinion on the opening. I showed it to someone else, and that person had a different opinion on it. Now that was forever ago, and I didn't know whether to continue or not, so it was pushed to the back of my mind.
Recently, someone commented on my fantasy short story and kindly gave me some constructive criticisms. The thing they mentioned was that there was a little bit too many adjectives. So that got me worrying there were too many in this. (And dear heavens, there are a ton of adjectives in these short little paragraphs.)
So I have a few questions for you guys and I was wondering if you'd help me.

1. Are there too many adjectives in these four paragraphs? Do I need to cut back on them, add more, or there's just the right amount?
2. Does the beginning paragraph detract from the other three and not seem to fit very well?

If you could answers those, that would be great and I most certainly would appreciate it! :la:

'Trials of Howlburn' (c) :iconsleepyiguana:

Link to fantasy short story:
Pain, Misery and Forgiveness                       Through pain and misery shall thee lie upon,
                      Through darkness and death shall thee feel,
                      Through love and hope shall thee crush,
                      Through punishment and rage shall thee feed upon.

Darkness, darkness, it is draining me, she muttered, licking the cold and dripping wet stone walls. Sucking down every drip of water she could, not caring if the walls tasted of things unmentionable. Her thirst was so great that she did not care how low she had fallen.

She sat up and glanced out of the barred window of her tiny cell. Rubbing the black and dull green mold


Side Note

There are many different tellings of fantasy creatures. So what you see here is just a version I created myself, I took a twist on some of the creatures. Also, I accept many different styles of fantasy creature, so don't think I'm just seeing this as the 'right way fantasy creatures are'. Thanks!
© 2013 - 2024 SleepyIguana
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Marckette's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

I'ma write you a critique <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

You mentioned your use of adjectives, and that's something I wanted to mention anyway. I don't feel like you have too many, and I think you use them effectively! The sensuous (as in, stimulating my 5 senses) quality of the writing is excellent! This style is so smooth and 'creamy' to me... it just flows nicely and it doesn't get boring or dull!

That being said... I think you could take it even further. There are a lot of good visuals and description here, so I wonder if you could arrange them to create a rhythm. Instead of addressing the women in the 2nd paragraph, and then later in the 3rd paragraph (after mentioning the men/lords), would it help to place them together? Meaning, "Here's what all the females are doing, and here's what all the males are doing", sort of. OR intentionally pace them apart, males-females-males-females.'
An example would be where you compare the war cries of men to the voices of women. Could you create that balance even more?

On a slightly small/technical note, Howlburn is a town, right? In the last paragraph, you mention that the faerie is looking down at the woods, so I just wondered if she's in a different place, or if the town is in the woods. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

I hope this was helpful!